Tuesday, April 23, 2024

My Taurus love



Today is Gayland's birthday. Somewhere there's a party going on in heaven with lots of great food and drink and EVERYBODY'S invited! And I mean everybody. 

Gayland loves a party. One of his greatest joys is gathering up all the people he can and loving on them by playing host. I can't tell you how many times I got home from Channel 13 only to be informed that 10 people were coming over for dinner, and should we eat inside or outside?

He would cook for everyone while I hurriedly set the table and tidied up. Gayland always reassured me that the house looked fine, but of course Mr. Untidy himself wouldn't know a tidy house if he lived in one.

I finally made peace with it, figuring that anyone who was coming to judge my housekeeping skills was missing the point of the gathering. 

Gayland was a Taurus (April 20-May 20), described this way: "No one will expose you to the finer things in life quite like a Taurus. This fixed earth sign has impeccable taste and loves to indulge."

No matter what you think of astrological signs, this one is spot on. 

With Gayland, the finer things in life didn't mean just food and art and music, although those were definitely part of it all. For him, though, the finer things in life mean sitting on the floor with a child, having a serious talk about bunnies. Or walking in the park with an unhoused person, learning their story. Or helping a man dying much too young from AIDS realize he was beloved of God, and certainly loved by Gayland. 

Or, in Israel, spending one day with an Israeli friend and another with a Palestinian friend. Or listening for the 1000th time to a person grieving for a lost child, and being fully present and caring. Or marveling at his two grandsons, who were the most amazing boys ever born. (He was absolutely correct.)

Or driving people to the polls to vote. Or writing his stream-of-consciousness newsletter to his various congregations, who got used to his idiosyncratic punctuation. Or quietly helping someone pay their rent, or make a car payment.

Gayland also was a champion appreciator. He appreciated beautiful gardens, although he never worked one day to grow one. He appreciated people who tried hard to make things around them beautiful, no matter how big or small the effort. He appreciated good cooking, and loved me even though cooking is NOT one of my skills.

Most of all, he appreciated LIFE and all it threw at him. He weathered is all because his faith in a loving God never wavered. 

Not that there weren't things he thought God could do better -- and I am sure he has informed God of his entire list. 

And I am sure God is at Gayland's party, lifting Their glasses in a toast to the Birthday Boy.

Happy birthday my love. I miss you every day.









Saturday, March 23, 2024

The highways and byways of sorrow


One of the realities of living into your 70s is that you begin to lose people -- beloved family members, friends, and acquaintances that you cherished.

On an intellectual level I knew this, but I was unprepared for the emotional impact. Because each of these lost beloveds have a geography attached to them, places that we shared, places we had fun, places we faced adversity together, places we worshiped together, places we ate regularly, places where we helped one another and others.

The landscape of your life becomes marked by invisible signs that say, "[Your beloved] isn't here any more," bringing with it a fresh rush of grief, however brief, that takes your breath away for a moment. 

For instance, heading east on I-30 off to my right over the hill is Bruce's house, where if I took the Beach exit instead of my Oakland exit I could swing by and see if he's out in the yard and we'd chat.

Or driving north on Eight Street, stopping at the light at Elizabeth Blvd. If I turned right, as I did for many decades, I'd go right by Joan's house, where I often went for strategy meetings or just to pick her up to go to lunch with our other co-conspirators.

Or driving on Camp Bowie, where, if I turn on Virginia Place I could stop by Bill's house, and visit with him and his fabulous wife. She grieves for him in that house, just as I still grieve for Gayland in mine.

Heading north on Montgomery, if I turn on Crestline, which I do a lot when I go to the bank, I drive past Richard's house, again, where his also fabulous wife still grieves his loss. 

Or in my own East Side, driving on Randol Mill, I glance up the hill and think of Deb now freshly grieving the loss of Sharon, and I grieve with her. 

And of course, there are the countless places that were meaningful for me and Gayland that still cause stabs of loss and grief every time I go past them.

Sometimes the weight of grief and loss seems too much to bear. But then I am reminded of a passage from Louise Erdrich’s 2005 novel The Painted Drum that I wrote down years ago:

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."






So I go walk in the garden with the dogs where we rejoice that Mom's irises are beginning to bloom again and the wild buttercups are taking over their favorite flowerbed.





Life is bursting forth all around us with a force that pushes aside

grief, waving banners of hope and gratitude.



And I am reminded again that love abides. Always.







Saturday, August 05, 2023

Can the Fourth of July be an occasion to celebrate, not dread?

In recent years, for way too many people, the Fourth of July has become an occasion of dread, not celebration.  That's a shame for the holiday that is meant to celebrate the best of this country's aspirations. The cause? Out-of-control fireworks and guns going off in residential neighborhoods and the seeming inability of the City to do anything about it.

The reigniting of the municipal fireworks in much of Texas and the nation was a result of celebrating the Bicentennial in 1976.  That national celebration reintroduced large scale fireworks to a nation who largely thought of them as fire crackers and bottle rockets.

Texas went big for the Bicentennial but with many local projects instead of one big state celebration. According to D Magazine, "In all there were 810 projects throughout the state. Among them were 102 new museums, 146 oral history projects, 387 tree-planting projects, 105 new parks, 14 medical facilities, 85 preservations, 227 restorations, 302 historical publications, 66 cookbooks, 195 flagpoles, 41 gazebos, and 90 time capsules."

The Bicentennial culminated on Sunday, July 4, 1976, with the 200th anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence.

AN EXCITING TIME  

It was an exciting time in the United States. Women and African Americans were making visible strides toward full equality under the law.

Barbara Jordon became the first African American to keynote a national political convention at the Democratic National Convention and Clifford Alexander Jr. became the first African American to be Secretary of the U. S. Army. On July 6, the first class of women at the United States Naval Academy in Annapolis is inducted. Barbara Walters hosted the final presidential debate.

In other news, Jimmy Carter defeated incumbent president Gerald Ford, and two new companies, Apple Computer and Microsoft, incorporated. In Gregg v. Georgia, the Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty is not inherently cruel or unusual and is a constitutionally acceptable form of punishment. A tiny 14-year-old Romanian named Nadia Comaneci scored a historic perfect 10 on the uneven bars at the Montreal Olympics and snagged three gold medals.

The Viking 1 landed successfully on Mars and began sending back color photos of the planet's surface, including the famous Face on Mars photo. 

                                                       THE FOURTH OF JULY, 1976


On the Fourth itself, the arrival of the Tall Ships in New York Harbor was all over television.

Fort Worth put on a parade in which the local chapter of the National Organization for Women had a float featuring women in American history. It was decorated with a huge head of Liberty carved by our own Nancy Lamb. I was State Representative Chris Miller on the float.

And that night, there was a huge fireworks show down by the Trinity River. Prior to this, big municipal fireworks shows weren't really a thing in Texas. People might set off a few fire crackers, but mostly the Fourth was family cookouts, trips to the lake, and swim parties.

But since 1976, municipal firework shows have become an annual event in Fort Worth and most other Texas cities.

AN UGLY COROLLARY  

However, a sad and ugly corollary has been the steady increase in individuals setting off fireworks in residential neighborhoods, which is illegal in Fort Worth and other cities. Last year, my East Side neighborhood sounded like a war zone for five nights in a row, with commercial grade fireworks being set off in the cul de sac behind my house. These explosions went on well into the early morning hours. The police were largely ineffective.

Aside from the danger of setting houses on fire, the impact of all these explosions on veterans and pets is horrific. My dogs and cat hate it, and shutting us all the bedroom with music, the tv, and a white noise machine does little to mask to the noise. Add to the cacophony the idiots who shoot off guns all night and it's a wonder people aren't killed. I have a neighbor who is a veteran and he leaves the city every year to go to a friend's hunting cabin because all the explosions trigger his PTSD so badly that he can't function.

One result of the city allowing this to get so out of control has been the number of people who have begun to really really dislike fireworks. I know of so many who have moved from loving the excitement and the beauty of that show in 1976 to a deep dread of and dislike for the Fourth and all the accompanying uproar.

So this year, the City of Fort Worth raised the fine for illegal fireworks to $2000.00 and posted this information on signs throughout the city. It seems to have had a impact. While the police still didn't show up when we called them, and it still sounded like a war zone on the Fourth, the nights leading up to and after the Fourth were much quieter.

HOPE FOR QUIET BEAUTY

But there is hope that virtual light shows and drones might overtake fireworks in popularity.

In Seattle the New Year of 2021 was run in at the Space Needle with a stunning visual display developed by a Seattle entrepreneur.





And drone shows are amazingly lovely.




This new development of having shows put on using drones or virtual light shows offers hope for a new way to celebrate without the noise and the danger. Of course, for way too many people, the noise and the danger is part of the appeal of fireworks.

But one can still hope that the quiet beauty of the drones may win out over the bombastic fireworks. My hope is that the City of Fort Worth will adopt the drones or a virtual light show for the annual Fourth of July show and let the fireworks die in the dust.

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

Rural Texans, it's time to push back


Rural Texans, you have faithfully voted Republican for decades, buying into the Republicans' portrayal of Democrats as unChristian baby killers who want to turn your children gay, make them hate America by teaching them the true racist history of our country, give all your stuff to Black and brown people, inject you with micro chips via vaccine, and other fear mongering tactics that distract you from the fact that they don't give a flying flip about you.

Note how Gov. Greg Abbott's refusal to expand Medicaid has devastated rural hospitals. Does your small community even have a hospital any more? Most likely not, as rural hospitals in Texas have closed in droves.
Now comes the move on school vouchers - to take money away from your local schools so parents can send their kids to private schools at taxpayers expense.
Let's talk about schools in small towns in Texas.

They, along with your churches, are the heartbeat of your town, aren't they? I know, because I grew up in Iraan in Pecos County and went to high school at Odessa Permian. Go Mojo!


The principal and teachers are your neighbors and friends. The coaches are local heroes. The whole town turns out for Friday night football, for all the home basketball and baseball games and then everyone caravans to the away games, often trailing the school buses carrying the team. Certainly you are there at 1 am - and sometimes later in the vast expanses of West Texas -- when the buses return home with either very tired kids who are congratulated on their victory or very tired kids who need to be reminded that they played a great game, even if they didn't win.

(I remember once when the bus of one of Permian's fierce rivals broke down about ten miles outside town. Within an hour, Permian parents had organized to pick up all the kids and coaches, drive them all the 80 plus miles home, and then return to Odessa.)

Everyone in town supports the PTA bake sales, buying each other's cakes and competing good naturedly on the cake of the town's acknowledged Best Baker. Everyone supports the car washes, scrap metal drives, Christmas wrap sales, and candy sales of the various youth groups. Everyone supports the band and the choir and the pep squad. And of course the football teams. This IS Texas, after all.

You know your schools aren't failing. You know CRT is not being taught there. You know your teachers are trustworthy enough to pick out books for your kids.
And here's the thing - all this is true of the schools in Fort Worth and other Texas cities. Because I'm not the only small town product who has moved to a Texas city.
Texas. The word Tejas means "friends or allies," which is why "friendship" is our state motto.

What the Republicans are trying to do to your schools is not the act of a friend or ally.

So do what you've always done Stand up for your schools and your teachers and the kids. All the kids.

Don't let them take money from your schools and give it to parents wanting their kids in a private school. Push back.

You're Texans. I know the kindness, the heart for community, the generosity of which you are capable. It's time to remind Republicans that we don't scare easily, we don't appreciate being lied to, we love our kids, and we value fairness, friendship, and fidelity.

It's time to push back.

Thursday, March 09, 2023

Wolves, serpents, and doves



Please bear with me. This is a bit of inside baseball for Episcopalians, but given what happened with the conservative takeover of the Southern Baptist Convention in 1990, and what's happened in the Methodist Church recently, it's actually about how conservative evangelicals who are convinced they know the mind of God will be -- and are - willing to use any tactic to achieve their goal of patriarchal power over women, people of color, and any man who doesn't fit their masculinity test.

I want to try to explain why the story of famed Baptist leader Beth Moore's move to a Anglican Church in North America (ACNA) church is NOT a lesson in evangelism, and NOT a teachable moment for ushers and greeters at Episcopal Churches, contrary to what some leaders in The Episcopal Church seem to think. Ushers and greeters everywhere, I suspect, would greet a famous person with welcoming courtesy. What the Beth Moore story is, is a lesson in how well meaning and loving people can err for far too long on the side of making allowances, and can mistake a common background for common ground, thus leaving themselves and their churches vulnerable to a takeover by ACNA.

Because ACNA is playing a long game.

For example, see the very recent attempt to take a Diocese of Texas parish church into ACNA, the planting of "mission" ACNA churches in Dioceses of Dallas and Albany, and the as-yet-unexplained behind the scenes effort to resurrect the infamous Lambeth Resolution 1.10 as "the mind of the Church" at the recent Lambeth Conference.

ACNA has been counting on this willingness to give the benefit of the doubt, on the preference to appease rather than confront, and on the tendency of straight privileged white male bishops to think their world view is shared by everyone who matters. They have been doing so since the infamous Chapman Memo was issued on 2003, in which they clearly laid out their goal:" 1) Our ultimate goal is a realignment of Anglicanism on North American soil committed to biblical faith and values, and driven by Gospel mission. We believe in the end this should be a “replacement” jurisdiction . . ."

How did the schismatics predict the leadership of The Episcopal Church would react? They also laid it out in the Memo: "But we think that the political realities are such that American revisionist bishops will be reticent to play 'hardball' for a while." The memo continues, "ECUSA [Episcopal Church in the USA] leaders know well how conservatives could quickly become the 'victims' in the public mind."

They read the room right -- Episcopal leaders have been willing for far too long to throw LBGTQI Episcopalians/Anglicans and women under the bus to appease conservative evangelical bishops -- and we all know how well appeasing bullies works. Any mom can tell you that. They simply decide you are weak and go for more. We saw it in the years leading up to the 2008 Fort Worth schism, and we've seen it since, as recently as Lambeth 2022.

The refusal to play hardball with people who do nothing else is a recipe for failure, and, I believe, a betrayal of what we assert we believe.

And now comes the recent story of Beth Moore. Moore, perhaps the most famous Southern Baptist who is a woman, left the Southern Baptist Convention when the disconnect between her call and the edicts of the SBC against "women teaching men" became simply too much for her to bear. She is now identifying as an "American Anglican evangelist, author, and Bible teacher."

She "found a home" in a church affiliated with the Anglican Church in North America (ACNA). She is positively giddy about her new church home, and why wouldn't she be? She has stepped about one inch outside her comfort zone, essentially moving the tiniest step possible away from the SBC that she could without staying in it.

Because ACNA is just the SBC with liturgy, and Moore is a conservative lay straight woman with no aspirations to ordination.

About half of ACNA dioceses refuse to ordain women as priests, and all of them refuse to ordain women as bishops. None of them welcome LGBTQI people. They have their own prayer book, one that tellingly has omitted the Baptismal Covenant with its pesky vows to "respect the dignity of every human being" and to "seek and serve Christ in all people." And yes, Jack Iker is STILL working to get rid of women priests in ACNA, stating that he's in "impaired communion" with the ACNA bishops who do ordain and tolerate women priests. Ironically enough, it was to appease Iker that ACNA decided women might be priests, but certainly not bishops.

But wait! There's more. . . to the Moore story. The "Anglicans" she is affiliated with are not Anglican at all, in the sense that the definition of Anglican is "being in communion with the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Archbishop of York." ACNA is not. Nor are they part of the Worldwide Anglican Communion.

You see the list of member churches at https://www.anglicancommunion.org/.../member-churches.aspx.

ACNA's openly stated and oft-repeated goal is to replace The Episcopal Church and the Anglican Church of Canada as the Anglican presence in North America.

They scored a huge victory in Texas in 2021 when the Texas Supreme Court awarded $500 million in Episcopal Church property and the name Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth to the group who left The Episcopal Church in 2008 and eventually joined with ACNA. When the US Supreme Court refused to hear our appeal, the Texas Supreme Court opinion stood, and it was all given to ACNA.

This resulted in the former Episcopal Diocese of Fort Worth becoming The Episcopal Church in North Texas and then reuniting with the Episcopal Diocese of Texas. We lost beloved church buildings, altar goods, icons, trust funds -- everything, essentially.

But the loss of those things wasn't as hard as having to come to term with the hardness of heart of the ACNA folk. Even as they refused to follow donor wishes that items stay with the Episcopal congregations, even as they refused to sell us items they had no need for and didn't even want, even as they harassed women priests and trolled them on Facebook, we tried to find good in them.

After all, before they left The Episcopal Church, many of them had worshiped with us. Many were family, and friends. But the split that began when The Episcopal Church voted to ordain women to the priesthood and episcopate in 1976, continued to be widened by conservative clergy who saw their hold on power in the church being challenged by those who historically had been on the margins -- Black, Indigenous, people of color; women, and LGBTQIA people.

When the diocese of Fort Worth was formed out of the Diocese of Dallas in 1983, much of the impetus for that was reaction against this opening of the life and worship of the church to all people. When The Episcopal Church began seriously exploring what it really meant to seal someone in Baptism as "Christ's own forever," they saw a threat, not a promise.

Fear, outraged patriarchy, and schism were in the very DNA of our founding. All three bishops of the diocese -- Donald Davies, Clarence Pope, and Jack Iker -- left The Episcopal Church, Davies to found the Missionary Episcopal Church, Pope to go to the Roman Catholic Church (and then back to us, and then back to Rome, and, well, one loses count), and Iker eventually to ACNA. Iker claimed all Episcopal Church property of the diocese -- and the Texas Supreme Court gave it to him.

Iker layered on outrage over the inclusion of LGBTQI in his fuming against The Episcopal Church, but for him it was always -- and remains -- the ordination of women that is at the heart of split here. Notice that he didn't leave when Gene Robinson was elected the first (openly) gay bishop in The Episcopal Church in 2003. After all, even though he was gay, Robinson was at least male.

No, Iker left only when Katharine Jefferts Schori was elected presiding bishop. For a man who said that women were no more proper matter for ordination than is a dog, a woman presiding bishop was a bridge too far.

She was elected in June 2006. Iker held the first of two (illegal) votes to leave The Episcopal Church in November 2007, and the second in November 2008.

But while ordained women are the line in the sand for Iker and others, all of ACNA is united in fighting against the full inclusion of LGBTQIA folk in the life and worship of the church. And they are willing to do just about anything to achieve their goals.

So when we see Episcopal Church leaders promoting a Beth Moore book in which she sings the praises of ACNA, it is hard to swallow. When we see priests who have actively worked to undermine The Episcopal Church readmitted into full leadership positions in TEC, it's worrying. When we hear bishops lightly dismiss ACNA as "a few lightweights that they can easily handle," it is alarming.

We are told we are overreacting. We are dismissed because, "Oh, they are just speaking out of their woundedness." We are admonished that we are called to love one another. We are told that ACNA is a "gateway" to the Episcopal Church, so play nice with them.

This is exactly the kind of gaslighting victims of abuse get when they try to warn others of the dangers of powerful white church men.

My point? We are living amid wolves, just as were the disciples when Jesus sent them out in Matthew 10:16: “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.”

Jesus warned them they were being sent out among wolves. And so are we. The fact that wolves are purposefully hostile and intentional about the harm they inflict EVEN AS they abide among other "believers" does not mean we ignore the threat they pose.

Jesus told them to be alert, to be careful, to advance the kindom of God but without using the tactics of the wolves -- be wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove.

Because here's the thing -- one can be loving without being complicit in one's own abuse, one can be hospitable without handing a thief the key to one's house, one can be welcoming while maintaining boundaries.

Sunday, December 11, 2022

Stir it up

I admit, there have been times when I have wailed, WHY did you have to die in December?!? But then, what other time would have been acceptable? There is no season when the loss of you would have been any easier. What I am really crying is WHY did you have to die and leave me alone!

There is nothing rational about this cri du cœur. No rational discussion of the cause of death matters in this case. This is a cry of pure loss, rage, and grief, aimed right at the heart of God in hopes of. . . what? I don't know.  I just know it rings out from the throats of bereaved lovers everywhere, in all languages, in all times, as the reality of our enormous loss begins to settle in. 

My reality was altered by your death in ways I am still discovering five years on.

FIVE YEARS!? How can it be five years, when the loss of you still feels so recent? 

And yet I have managed to cobble together a new reality that living without you made necessary. And most days, it works pretty well. 

This year the fifth anniversary of your death also is the third Sunday of Advent -- Stir Up Sunday, so called because the service always begins with the prayer, "Stir up your power, O Lord, and with great might come among us. . ." It made me smile, because you loved to stir things up, didn't you? And you loved Advent.

I love Advent in a new way now, because it gives me space to move into Christmas slowly, making it over the ordeal of my birthday without you, and then moving through the pain of this horrible anniversary.






This afternoon I hauled out all the boxes of the Nativities we collected throughout our marriage, many brought back from some wonderful trip together - or occasionally trips we each took on our own. Opening each box releases a legion of memories.

The Nativities come from trips to Israel, Italy, Sicily, England, France, Ireland, Kenya, South Africa, Nigeria, Rwanda, as well as some from local artists here at home. 

Some of the Nativities were brought by each of us into the marriage (along with books and pieces of art. Lots of books, lots and lots of books). 

And some were gifts from beloved friends and family.  Wherever they come from, they are imbued with love and care and memories of blessed Christmases with you.

Moving into Christmas involves many conversations with you still. Anyone watching me would think, ok, here's a crazy person, but they would be wrong. I am not crazy, I am continuing a conversation that simply won't just end.

And day after day, I am comforted by the knowledge that your sweet sweet spirit isn't gone, that it shows up in funny, mysterious, weird, and loving ways, much as you did when you were here.

Because here's the most important thing I've learned in the last five years -- love doesn't end just because your physical presence did. 

Wednesday, November 02, 2022

Thirty-one years, my love

 Happy anniversary, my love. Thirty-one years to celebrate, the last nearly five of which I've marked alone. 

We thought getting married on All Souls' Day was a great idea, because the space between the living and the dead is thin on this day. We figured all the beloved folks who had gone on ahead would be among our clouds of witnesses. 

Ironic indeed that the person I want most today is among those witnesses, probably working the room to make sure everyone gets greeted and loved on, just as you did at our wedding -- and everywhere else we went.

You have been much on my mind today, of course. I woke up thinking of you. The animals and I had to move out of the residence and into the farmhouse for three days while we awaited the pest control guy to come kill the thousands of yellow jackets who took up homesteading in the attic crawl space. After being stung twice I wasn't risking trying to sleep in the same building as those little devils.

The dogs were okay with the temporary move, because they are happy anywhere I am, but the cats were decidedly not. Sable refused to move off mother's couch and Danny pouted until he discovered the stairs and decided the entire farmhouse was a giant cat toy. At that point, he became a one-cat demolition derby, bouncing off walls and knocking stuff over right and left. 

We all slept upstairs in the space that used to be my office. I turned it into a bedroom when I moved all my office stuff over to the residence. It's good to know first hand that it's a comfortable space for any guests who arrive.

Still, I kept thinking how much fun it would have been with you there, because you could turn an event like being run out of our house by stinging insects into an adventure.  You would have cooked some great meal, we would have pretended we were on vacation, had too much wine to drink, made love, laughed, and read to each other in bed. 

Instead, I took an allergy pill and read until I got sleepy. Then woke up with no voice. Appropriate I guess, because since you died, I am unable to sing. I try, but songs just stick in my throat. So today, as I miss you madly, it seems right that I have no voice at all. Because there are no words I need to say. I said them all to you when you were still here -- told you of my deep abiding love for you, listed all the things about you that tickled me and drove me crazy, all the things you taught me and all the things we learned together, all the things I admired about you and all the ways you made the world so much better because you were in it. 

I didn't know then how huge a presence an absence can be.  

I miss you so much.